In keeping with the temporal schizophrenia that has characterized my posts to date, I want to tell you where I am at today.
This is not an easy thing to write about. There are many things to be considered in the life of a transsexual. You have to take all the stuff that happens in the lives of the cisgender, add the baggage of being a trans person and the duties of transition into the mix. In this midst of this concoction, is me.
Transition has brought many wonderful and magical things to my life. There have been many losses as well.
Early in my investigation I was a part of an online group for transsexual women. It was a wonderful to be able to present the real me even if it was just in a virtual sense. I had a shock one day when I got a private message from another woman in the group. She told me that I shouldn’t consider this course if I wasn’t prepared to loose everything. At the time I read her admonishment I thought that I had planed for every contingency. My plans were good but there were still things that I had not considered.
The first of these was the loss of work. When I started transition I was self employed and running a business with more that 40 employees. I had thought that I could make this work but that did not go as planned. I ended up selling the business to keep my employees working. One of the things that made this decision easy for me was a job offer with Apple Inc. It was a job far beneath my education and experience but I felt that I could work it into something better. After several years there I found this was not true. It became apparent that my transition was a problem for them as well. Since then I have tried many avenues including starting my own business again. The result is that I have been unemployed for two years.
This is should not surprise most in the TS community as unemployment among us is more than four times the national average.
Before I transitioned I had some experience with gender bigotry. I was in a male dominated industry and many of the women that worked for me had experienced this in their careers. They had also gotten some of this from the clients of my company. All of this experience was second hand. I had compassion but did not realize the devastation that this sort of thing has to the victim. I have faced this and more because I am at best just a woman and at worst some kind of freak.
There are others who’s intent was good but had the effect of causing harm. I had many co-workers that tried their best to protect me from the bigots. The detrimental effect of this is to give me a false sense of security. It’s one thing for someone to support me in the face of discrimination it is another to intercept it so that I never experience it.
Another is my relationship to my wife. I had tried to involve her in my transition but felt her withdrawing more and more as I progressed. We separated a few years ago. There is no obvious hostility between us but there is very little love. Were we once spoke several times a day, we now only talk on holidays and birthdays.
The rest of my family was not very close before my transition and after there has been no contact at all.
There are many things in my original plan that have also failed, most of these are a direct relation to my employment status. As such, I will find myself homeless by the end of this month.
I have also had many struggles with depression. Most of this was an effect of my situation. It is ironic that I spent all those years in therapy but none of my therapists helped with the depression. You see they could not help me with this because they could not change the circumstances that were the cause of the feelings. The depression has brought on many bouts with suicide. All of this could have been avoided if there wasn’t the hate and animosity towards me just for being me.
I do have many regrets, transitioning is not one of them. I wish that I had transitioned at a much earlier age. I regret many of my business decisions and career choices. I regret that I had compromised my own identity to have people like me. I couldn’t maintain it and many of the people I thought were friends weren’t really friends.
I view transition as a purification process. Everything in your life that is false will die and only the reality with remain.